| Steelers won, we're going to the Super Bowl.
This is the last time I'm gonna post on this or any Xanga. I'm just too busy to keep updating something thats only really causing more debate than its worth, so I'm going dark, and I won't post here again.
That said there are a few things I must address. Molly, I don't hate you. I love you very much, and I only wish you could understand that I'm insulting you because I love you... you're not acting like you, you're not acting like the girl I fell in love with, and the girl I fell in love with was real, and you are fake. At any rate, its to late for that, I'll still be here if you need me.
As for insulting a church, I have no problem with it, I didn't insult God, and it is very obvious to me that God has very little to do with your church, so its not skin off of my back.
I know no one will really miss me posting, and I don't care at all, you can do whatever you want. There are people I wish the best to, and for other people (you know who you are) I can only suggest you get down of your cross, use the wood to build a bridge, and get over yourself.
I've had a tough life, and anyone who denies that has every right to. Maybe I just whine too much, however I have had help from wonderful magnificent people over time, my family, my friends, my Tiger, even though she's not around anymore, and according to her Xanga she just has to keep living her life and I won't matter anymore.
Regardless of what you might think I remained loyal to Molly every day of our relationship, and if she had stayed with me I would have spent every day of my life with her. But... things don't always go the way they should. Some people think of an engagement as a commitment, others think of it as something much less important, and its fruitless for me to be too upset about that, though it has caused me much pain over the past several weeks.
I don't know what else to say... I doubt anyone will read this anyway, but if you do just know I love you all in different ways. I will miss all of you and if you need to call my number is 407 452 9914.
I'm so sorry any of this had to happen.
I suppose the only thing I have to go on is something my grandma told my mother... not my grandmother in the hospital, my mother's mother. When my mom told her Molly had left me, the first thing she said was "Who got to her?". I trust my grandmother as a great judge of character. Molly is just trying to hurt me at this point, I understand that. She's inferring that I didn't let her breathe enough, and that I wasn't a good enough music teacher, and that I won't mean very much after awhile, and other things. She is just trying to get at me, and I don't care. If this is what God wants I will stick around to be a friend when she needs me... and I hope some day she'll apologize for hurting me so badly, and we can talk about these past 10 months in a good light.
I am neglecting this Xanga now for the chief reason that I still love Molly. And the things I say make it impossible for her to do the BS she tells me she needs me to do. So the faster I let her do whatever she wants, the faster I'll be able to stop following this rediculous mission God's sent me on.
Happy birthday Molly. I'm sorry to all of you that this is goodbye, but I can't write anymore. Everything and everyone is too cold. I was more of a friend and a lover and a provider, than Kimberly, Danielle, Ben, Jackie, Angela and Gela but together, not to undermine any of the latters' character, but I knew Molly, and loved her more deeply than them.
At one time I almost left Molly because I collapsed. I never told her this, but I might as well get this off my chest. I just simply collapsed because of something she wanted that I didn't want. I was angry and upset, and crying, and I almost just walked away. But all she had to do was tell me that things were gonna be ok. And I prayed about it. And they were... not right away, it actually took a month of me questioning why I was with her, but when I came to my senses I knew that leaving her would have been the biggest mistake ever, because sometimes Love isn't doing whats best for a person, sometimes Love is staying with a person... just because you love them more than anyone else could love them... you just know that the spiritual bond you have with them is so deep. I know none of this will change her mind, and I'm fine with that. I still cry a lot, but I'm doing better. I didn't want her to leave me, but her church got to her. I'm not saying that cuz I think it, or my parents think it, but because my Grandmother knows... I can't explain, but she is the best judge of character I ever met, and she saw into Molly's heart when Molly was there in July, and she knew that my Tiger was a wonderful, Godly woman. Now my grandmother hear's the things she's done and reacts as if she's been bribed and coereced.
My grandmother has never inferred such things about another person as long as I've lived, so I trust this... and maybe its Satan who is getting inside Molly's head, because I have still loved her, and respected her, and done all I can to give her the best life I could. And she has ignored me, and told my I don't matter, and said she just wants to move on with her life and forget about me. Love doesn't forget about people, it just doesn't, and I will never forget about her. When I am 40, and married, with kids, I will still have a phone line open, waiting to help her through whatever she needs... and thats love. Thats selflessness. I am... wow. I am a really good guy, and I know I hate myself most of the time, but I am going to admit that I've treated her with a level of love and understanding only God could supply me with.
I wish.... she would come and help me close some of these open wounds, like I helped her with. But now its too late, as she says. Its too late for her. And I know that if I pray God will NEVER make it too late for me, to just talk to her.
I'm done now, and anyone who read this whole thing I'm sorry I bored you, you won't have to worry about this again.
This Xanga has gone dark
Love,
Andrew |
